Consensual Lifestyles Association
of South Australia
Basic BDSM Workshop

'Playing'
Approaching a current partner	First thing you need to check is do they have an interest in bdsm. This can be approached by directly asking the person, or by raising the topic if it comes up in some way such as watching a movie or TV that has something to do with an area of bdsm. Does the partner like the idea, do they seem unsure as to what they may or may not like, or do they seem to be totally turned off at the thought of anything in this area? If your partner has an interest or curiosity about some areas, this is an excellent start, if not, all is not necessarily over, you may just have to approach things more slowly and carefully. There are ways to get a partner's interest in some areas so that you can eventually get what you desire and they may eventually realise it is not a bad thing or be happy without realising they are partaking in your fantasies. By thinking creatively and having patience many areas of bdsm can be introduced to a relationship without a partner even being aware that is what has happened.
Scenario I	Person with a foot fetish suggests after a partners hard day that they give a relaxing foot massage now and then. To begin with massage is all that is given, but if done on a reasonably regular basis this can be built up to washing the feet first, massaging the feet and individual toes, powdering them or applying lotion, etc, so that eventually you are handling the feet a great deal. Massages can be ended with a gentle kiss to each foot, this can then become more kisses all over the feet and so on until one day activities such as toe sucking seem simply a natural progression if that is where one's interest lies.
Scenario II	A person wishes to be a submissive and serve their partner. This may seem easy but if one is partnered to another submissive it can be rather difficult. Another problem is that part of the joy of being a submissive is that the other person knows you are doing it solely for them or is telling you what to do rather than you just doing things with no request. The key here is to listen more carefully to a partner. It is wonderful to have someone carry out a simple wish that has been expressed without actually expecting it to be done or acted upon. If a partner is listing what they must do during the course of a day and seem unhappy about a particular task, do it for them if feasible. If a partner would like something simple as a present or a treat get it for them without need of a special day to give it on. Do simple tasks in a more ritualistic manner, and try not to be upset to begin with if it takes a while for the partner to notice that you are making a lot of effort, carrying out tasks simply to get praise is not what submission is about. Normal everyday tasks can be turned into acts of submission such as making a persons hot drink and handing it to them. Make their drink and bring it to them, presenting the cup so that the handle faces them and can be easily grasped and grabbing a hot vessel is avoided. If the person is sitting kneel on one knee to give it to them so you are closer to their current position, etc
Starting play	Take it slow and build up to longer/heavier sessions, don't try to do and experience everything at once. Start with short periods, such as 20 mins and remember it is just as hard for the one running the scene as the one having everything 'done' to them. It can be hard thinking of new things to do and keeping things flowing smoothly so have patience and give feedback whichever side of the equation you are on. Don't outlay huge amounts of money over something you may not even be sure about. There are plenty of items in most homes or that are easy and cheap to aguire for beginning players, and some forms of play need no equipment just careful thought and planning. For example: Bondage - Scarves, dressing gown cords, etc can be used to tie hands and feet together or to bed legs, or some other piece of furniture like a kitchen table. Scarves and so on can also be used as blindfolds to heighten senses and take play to a deeper level Discipline - Can be done with no props, as can D/s, the main thing needed in this area is the mind. S&M - This form of play can be done by scratching, biting, smacking, pinching, all of which we can do with just our own bodies and no equipment
Safety	As you each grow more confident, extend your times or add new 'toys'/props/themes/ideas into play. But remember to test things first, and do things safely. For example: - Have scissors handy if you need to get someone out of bondage fast eg there's a fire, asthma attack/panic attack, rope is worth nothing compared to a life. - Learn how to use something before introducing it into play eg candles for wax play - coloured candles are hotter, as are scented candles. How high do you hold candles above a person?. What difference is there in using it on various body parts?. How much more or less sensitive to such things is the other person compared to you?. Have ice and/or cold water handy and be aware wax can burn. - Remember everyone's pain tolerances and fears are different to others, especially your own. - It is good to know basic first aid so that small problems can be deal with speedily before they can become big ones.
Possible side effects of play	Playing with someone can at times cause seemingly odd or unexpected reactions to things. A person may start crying, shaking, suffer anxiety, feel guilty or bad. This is not necessarily a problem but does need to be looked at for the cause of the reaction and dealt with in an appropriate manner. Sometimes a person will cry simply with relief and release (this is a common reaction), when finally doing the thing they have always dreamed about doing. Phobias and triggers often related to past memories or experiences such as past abuse can raise fears and unexpected reactions, because the person themselves may have tried to bury that past and essentially forgotten it until play 'tapped back' in to it. Sub drop/Dom drop is a common reaction to occur after play especially if the session was very intense or those involved must part company soon after. Many indicate this is mainly caused by 'coming down' from the adrenalin rush of play and can involve many negative feelings about both the play and the person played with. This can also be caused by aspects of play being taken out of 'scene' such as when doing humiliation play where words said in scene are taken to heart out of scene. Mistakes in play are ok, as long as they are noted and dealt with, so that they can be learned from and avoided in the future. Mistakes will happen and are best talked about so that all involved in play can learn to trust one another by knowing any situation arising will not just be ignored.
After care	Often after play people just wish to be hugged/cuddled/stroked. This is good to do as it is reaffirming that despite pain or humiliation inflicted, all players still 'care'/love/etc each other. Making sure a partner arrives home safely or knows how to care for any 'wounds' (bruises, etc) is also after care, as is making sure their needs for fluids and food (often sugar for the energy drain) are and were met. It is not always good to talk about a scene straight after it has finished as often those involved are still 'floating' for a while, but it is good to talk about at a later stage to make sure all felt things went well. All forms of play can be dangerous if done in a careless way. It is best not to rely on how one particular person does or says to do something, they may seem to know all the answers, but no one ever does. They may never have had a problem doing something in a particular way because they have always had 'ideal' conditions. They may never have had a faulty toy, or played with someone with certain medical conditions, or they may in fact have never actually done that kind of 'play'. Bdsm should be enjoyable for all concerned, if it isn't rethink what and how you are doing things. There is no shame in seeking help or further information on something, and it is much better to do that than make a grave error that you could have avoided, if simple pride or ego was all that got in the way.