Consensual Lifestyles Association
of South Australia

Basic BDSM Workshop

Safety in BDSM

So how does one do things Responsibly?

 By the use of such things as:
Checklists/questionaries/Negotiation/Contracts
Resources/networks/Workshops - Books, Internet Organisations, Research
Safe words/Safe calls/Mentors

Safe words

 These are words or signals people use when playing, to indicate how there are coping with and enjoying the play. Many use words such as 'mercy' or a 'traffic light' system:
Green = great, enjoying it , keep going, more, more, more.
Yellow = slow down, need to take a short break or change what we are doing, nearly reaching limits.
Red = stop, there is a problem, something is wrong, limits exceeded.
Simply using yes, no, or stop, is not advisable as people often like to use these words when they are role-playing a victim and so it becomes highly confusing. Often people will let these words slip when something takes them by surprise, but they do not actually mean them. It should never be assumed that the words you think are standard safe words are the same as the person you are playing with, or that they have the same meaning, so this is an area that should be part of play negotiation. Safe signals can also be devised when you have a partner who goes quiet and non verbal when playing, or at times when a partner is gagged or otherwise unable to speak. Signals can be things such as a particular hand gesture, squeezing a squeaky toy, or dropping a held object that will make a loud noise.

Safe calls

 These are used as a safety system when meeting new people, particularly potential play partners. Always make sure when you are meeting someone new, that a friend knows where you are and who you are meeting, and set up a 'check-in' system to make sure things are going ok. Never have a first meeting in your own home, or give out address or home phone number details. Preferably meet in a public venue that has people around in case you get into trouble. Cafes are very good initial meeting spots, and if someone refuses to meet in such locations take that as a warning sign and seriously reconsider meeting them.

Finding a play partner

 There are many ways to meet new partners, whether it is through local contact ads in the paper, magazines, internet, or local events like munches. In all instances, you can come across dangerous people. No matter what someone says when you contact them, you have the normal rights of any person whether you identify as a submissive, Dominant, or just a new person. A person deciding they are submissive does not mean they then must do anything someone saying they are a Dominant says to. Just because someone is 'experienced' does not mean you should do all they tell you. Never assume that because someone is at a particular function like a munch, they are a safe or experienced person, they could be as new, or newer, as you are. Ask a few people if they have heard of the person you may be interested in, and if anything is known about how 'safely' they play.

Approaching a current partner

 First thing you need to check is do they have an interest in bdsm. This can be approached by directly asking the person, or by raising the topic if it comes up in some way such as watching a movie or TV that has something to do with an area of bdsm. Does the partner like the idea, do they seem unsure as to what they may or may not like, or do they seem to be totally turned off at the thought of anything in this area?

If your partner has an interest or curiosity about some areas, this is an excellent start, if not, all is not necessarily over, you may just have to approach things more slowly and carefully. There are ways to get a partner's interest in some areas so that you can eventually get what you desire and they may eventually realise it is not a bad thing or be happy without realising they are partaking in your fantasies. By thinking creatively and having patience many areas of bdsm can be introduced to a relationship without a partner even being aware that is what has happened.

Examples of how this can be done are:
Scenario - Person with a foot fetish suggests after a partners hard day that they give a relaxing foot massage now and then. To begin with massage is all that is given, but if done on a reasonably regular basis this can be built up to washing the feet first, massaging the feet and individual toes, powdering them or applying lotion, etc, so that eventually you are handling the feet a great deal. Massages can be ended with a gentle kiss to each foot, this can then become more kisses all over the feet and so on until one day activities such as toe sucking seem simply a natural progression if that is where one's interest lies.
Scenario - A person wishes to be a submissive and serve their partner. This may seem easy but if one is partnered to another submissive it can be rather difficult. Another problem is that part of the joy of being a submissive is that the other person knows you are doing it solely for them or is telling you what to do rather than you just doing things with no request. The key here is to listen more carefully to a partner. It is wonderful to have someone carry out a simple wish that has been expressed without actually expecting it to be done or acted upon. If a partner is listing what they must do during the course of a day and seem unhappy about a particular task, do it for them if feasible. If a partner would like something simple as a present or a treat get it for them without need of a special day to give it on. Do simple tasks in a more ritualistic manner, and try not to be upset to begin with if it takes a while for the partner to notice that you are making a lot of effort, carrying out tasks simply to get praise is not what submission is about. Normal everyday tasks can be turned into acts of submission such as making a persons hot drink and handing it to them. Make their drink and bring it to them, presenting the cup so that the handle faces them and can be easily grasped and grabbing a hot vessel is avoided. If the person is sitting kneel on one knee to give it to them so you are closer to their current position, etc.